Read Aunt Chelsea's Advice!
Dear Aunt Chelsea,
I’ve been seeing “Troy” for about three years now. Most of the time, he’s a great guy.
He does have a terrible temper, though. When we get into arguments, even the most
petty disagreements, he calls me names and puts me down. He calls me a slut and
whore, even though I’m not like that at all. He says awful things like, “If you leave me,
someone’s going to die.” I’ve put up with it for this long because he always apologizes,
he’s really sweet afterward, and he’s never been violent before . . . until about a month
ago.
It started out as argument over the water bill. (We share an apartment.) As usual, Troy
was calling me every name except the one my mama gave me. Then he got right in my
face, and before I could figure out how to get away, he slapped me. Hard. Across the
face.
Troy immediately acted like he was really sorry. But I was scared, and I knew that wasn’t
okay, so I called the police. There was enough of a handprint on my face that the police
took Troy to jail. He’s been court-ordered to go to anger management counseling.
I’ve moved out of the apartment, and I’ve been seeing a therapist, too. She thinks that
Troy has been giving me warnings that he’s going to hurt me seriously, and that I need to
take this as the final warning and get far, far away. But Troy wants me to move back in
with him, and I think he’s really learning something in his anger management classes. I
know that I still love him, even with all his faults.
What do you think, Aunt Chelsea? Should I give Troy another chance? After all, he was
only physical with me once. Does that one incident necessarily have to ruin everything
between us? We’ve had a lot of good times together, too.
Karen L., Michigan (Not the writer's real name)
Dear Karen,
Cutting someone completely out of your life is always a hard decision to make, even if
that person has really hurt you. You’ll always remember the good times and feel the love
and affection that, I’m sure, really are there. And if you believe in any kind of a Higher
Power, of course you want to believe that miracles can happen and that leopards can
change their spots.
I’d like to give you some good, solid data on the number of one-time abusers who go on
to hurt their partners a second time, Karen, but I haven’t been able to find them. (Note to
my readers who do research: relationship violence is still an area that needs much more
study.) I found a 2003 study by Stith, et al., which concluded that 80% of the couples in
their study who went to couples counseling did not have another violent incident. Then
again, I’ve seen other studies that contradict that.
I’m with your therapist on this one, Karen. The bottom line is this: you’ve only got one
life, and you need to protect it. Everyone deserves to live her/his life free of violence,
and you shouldn’t take chances with your safety, no matter how much you love Troy. I’m
sure there are plenty of guys in Michigan who will treat you with the respect you deserve,
Karen, so give Troy the pink slip and keep looking. If Troy won’t leave you alone, or
threatens you, call your call police department, and look in your phone book for women’s
shelters. And you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24 hours a
day: 800-799-SAFE (7233).
Ladies (and guys, too), don’t downplay the impact of verbal abuse in your relationships. I
just read an article in Prevention that stated, “Women who have been exposed to verbal
abuse have the same psychological symptoms as women exposed to physical abuse.”
Abuse, physical or verbal, doesn’t have to be part of anyone’s life. We deserve better.
Aunt Chelsea
For more information:
National Domestic Violence Hotline website: www.ndvh.org
"Is it abuse?" Karen Propp, Prevention, Feb. 2006, page 196.
Domestic Violence: Opposing Viewpoints, Ed. David M. Haugen, Greenhaven Press,
2005.
I’ve been seeing “Troy” for about three years now. Most of the time, he’s a great guy.
He does have a terrible temper, though. When we get into arguments, even the most
petty disagreements, he calls me names and puts me down. He calls me a slut and
whore, even though I’m not like that at all. He says awful things like, “If you leave me,
someone’s going to die.” I’ve put up with it for this long because he always apologizes,
he’s really sweet afterward, and he’s never been violent before . . . until about a month
ago.
It started out as argument over the water bill. (We share an apartment.) As usual, Troy
was calling me every name except the one my mama gave me. Then he got right in my
face, and before I could figure out how to get away, he slapped me. Hard. Across the
face.
Troy immediately acted like he was really sorry. But I was scared, and I knew that wasn’t
okay, so I called the police. There was enough of a handprint on my face that the police
took Troy to jail. He’s been court-ordered to go to anger management counseling.
I’ve moved out of the apartment, and I’ve been seeing a therapist, too. She thinks that
Troy has been giving me warnings that he’s going to hurt me seriously, and that I need to
take this as the final warning and get far, far away. But Troy wants me to move back in
with him, and I think he’s really learning something in his anger management classes. I
know that I still love him, even with all his faults.
What do you think, Aunt Chelsea? Should I give Troy another chance? After all, he was
only physical with me once. Does that one incident necessarily have to ruin everything
between us? We’ve had a lot of good times together, too.
Karen L., Michigan (Not the writer's real name)
Dear Karen,
Cutting someone completely out of your life is always a hard decision to make, even if
that person has really hurt you. You’ll always remember the good times and feel the love
and affection that, I’m sure, really are there. And if you believe in any kind of a Higher
Power, of course you want to believe that miracles can happen and that leopards can
change their spots.
I’d like to give you some good, solid data on the number of one-time abusers who go on
to hurt their partners a second time, Karen, but I haven’t been able to find them. (Note to
my readers who do research: relationship violence is still an area that needs much more
study.) I found a 2003 study by Stith, et al., which concluded that 80% of the couples in
their study who went to couples counseling did not have another violent incident. Then
again, I’ve seen other studies that contradict that.
I’m with your therapist on this one, Karen. The bottom line is this: you’ve only got one
life, and you need to protect it. Everyone deserves to live her/his life free of violence,
and you shouldn’t take chances with your safety, no matter how much you love Troy. I’m
sure there are plenty of guys in Michigan who will treat you with the respect you deserve,
Karen, so give Troy the pink slip and keep looking. If Troy won’t leave you alone, or
threatens you, call your call police department, and look in your phone book for women’s
shelters. And you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24 hours a
day: 800-799-SAFE (7233).
Ladies (and guys, too), don’t downplay the impact of verbal abuse in your relationships. I
just read an article in Prevention that stated, “Women who have been exposed to verbal
abuse have the same psychological symptoms as women exposed to physical abuse.”
Abuse, physical or verbal, doesn’t have to be part of anyone’s life. We deserve better.
Aunt Chelsea
For more information:
National Domestic Violence Hotline website: www.ndvh.org
"Is it abuse?" Karen Propp, Prevention, Feb. 2006, page 196.
Domestic Violence: Opposing Viewpoints, Ed. David M. Haugen, Greenhaven Press,
2005.
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